Surviving Straight Inc ®

Anonymous 2, August 1987 to October 1987

My Own Hell

I was a participant in the program offered by Straight, Inc., in Richardson, Texas from August 28, 1987 to October 31, 1987.  Initially, I was wanting help for my problems and readily agreed to enter Straight to try and turn my life around.  I immediately started to work the "program" and wanted to change my life.  I had been told since my intake that this was the place to do just that, so I set out in earnest to make it so.  After actively engaging in the program for about 2 weeks, I witnessed a counselor confront a guy that was on phase 3 about talking to a girl at school.  For those who are unaware, this was not allowed.  The counselor blasted this guy for 20 minutes trying to get him to confess and by all accounts he looked incredibly guilty.  He persisted in his innocence until a third party showed up and corrected the situation.  They had accused the wrong guy.  They had the group blasting this guy verbally while yelling at him and spitting on him while doing so.  A brief apology was offered by the counselor and the went after the true culprit.  This was my eye opener.  How was this supposed to help me not to drink or do drugs.  I started to question the "program" and what, if anything, it was actually going to do for my sobriety.  The answer that I came to was nothing...this would help me out of my peril in no way, shape, or form.  So, I stopped "working the program".  This apparently was not acceptable. It started with harassment; then it led to physical consequences of not participating.  Knuckles were dug into my back when not sitting upright and if I tried to remove them from my back I was picked up in the air and slammed onto the concrete floor in the supine position with a fellow "pogramee" at each appendage restraining me to the floor until I quit fighting them.  Sometimes this lasted for hours, because several times one of the program coordinators would tell my fellow "programees" to push with all their might directly over my knees and elbows and neck and jaw.  As one would imagine,  this would cause a lot of pain and so I would squirm and fight with everything I had in me.  This would, in turn, lead to longer and longer periods of restraint.  I tried several times to alleviate the pain by spitting, biting and trying to punch my fellow "programees".  This led to one of the program coordinators to have one of my peers to place a sanitary napkin in my mouth and nearly break my jaw pushing it closed.  Needless to say I gagged and nearly choked on the napkin for several hours.  The program coordinator, Brenda Beckloff, told the kid holding my jaw to push down as hard as he could and if my jaw broke that would teach me a lesson.  What I learned from these incidents and being stuck in the time out room for 50 consecutive days, was that they did not like to be questioned.  It was their way or the highway.  What I actually got out of this was a strong sense of self worth from going against everyone else.  What they had inadvertently taught me was self reliance and a strength I did not know I possessed.  It had been nearly 30 years since my time there, and it still affects me deeply to this day.  I get depressed this time of year and usually forget why until I remember my time in Straight.  I have issues with who to blame and for what.  It is an ongoing struggle that continues to dominate my life